Do you really need a bigger, better set of tools?

We are so programmed as people to look outside ourselves for the answers, that we don't even stop to consider that there may be a whole new possibility. If you're like most people I've encountered in my life when you were little you couldn't wait to be older. Why? Because you had certain ideas about freedom and making your own decisions, etc. Think of all the milestones you reached becoming an adult. There was middle school, right? Then there was high school. There was the driver's license. There was graduating from high school. There was turning eighteen. All these markers along the way. Just waiting to be an adult, so you could be your own man or woman. Oh yeah, what about turning twenty-one, huh? That was exciting, wasn't it?

Of course you probably had a job or two somewhere in there, but those were just temporary places you worked until you graduated school to start on your actual career, right? Then the day came when you became an adult, remember? Maybe not like a date in history, but you probably have some vague recollection at least, yes? Perhaps your entry in to adulthood had little fanfare. Now think back to the day you got your first "real" job, remember? Wasn't it awesome? All the dreams you had were going to come true, right? Then something peculiar happened, didn't it? The vast majority of people experience some level of frustration, upset, lack of fulfillment and some just downright hate that job after a while, for whatever reason. Terrible work, horrible boss, bad conditions, etc. So what's usually the solution for people? Well they get a different job, don't they. For a while it's great, then what? Same thing. The cycle repeats over and over again. Perhaps the reason is that all the jobs in the world are bad. Perhaps the answer is a girlfriend or a boyfriend. So you get one of those, and for a while it's great. Then something happens. They're not what you thought they were, somehow they've changed. You leave that one for another. Then this repeats over and over. Perhaps you just need to settle down and get married. Oops you married the wrong one. Divorce number one, then two, then three. Perhaps the answer is a car, a house. Perhaps you need to start your own business, be your own boss.

What's the answer? Well, perhaps we need to start with the basics here. Perhaps the perception that "the problem is out there, therefore I need to change all this stuff outside of me" is the problem. Perhaps we need to start by taking a good look at ourselves. After all in every one of the above mentioned scenarios the one constant is you. You keep showing up in every one of those moments. No mater where you are in life, there you are.

The next time you think the problem is someone else or the situation you find yourself in is the problem, consider the possibility that the way you look at the other or your situation may really be the issue. Then change your perspective and see what happens. This isn't really about being good, and it's certainly not even about doing the right thing. It's really about efficiency and effectiveness. Think about this, if you need to to have everything outside of you to change so you can be happy, fulfilled, etc. you may be waiting for a long, long, long time. You can try to change a bunch of things that you have little to no control over, or you can simply change the one thing you have complete control over, you. Until next time...

Live FREE!

Only those willing to go too far will know how far they can go.

A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine, Ana Davalos, invited me out to speak to a group of people who were training to run on behalf of the leukemia and lymphoma society. It's certainly one of those win/win opportunities. They raise money to help fund research in finding a cure for this type of cancer and who knows what those findings could do in terms of supporting other cures. The participants get to do something that is challenging in two ways, physically by actually participating in the run and just as important the fund-raising part which may actually be the tougher part. The training certainly helps them get in to shape. It creates jobs for the people who actually work for the organization. It creates mentor and mentee relationships for the volunteer coaches and participants, after all besides the physical aspects of running long distances there's definitely the mental, emotional and psychological aspects which are just as, if not more, important. In many ways a win for many people involved.

That morning I talked a bit about "The Kim Family Mottos" which I will share with you at a later date. I also participated that morning on their eight mile training/practice run. We did three minutes of running followed by one minute of walking, and we kept on doing this until we had completed the eight miles. I gotta tell you it was more difficult than I thought it was going to be, but I did it. The main reason I decided to participate that morning was because I had been telling myself for a while that I was going to start running again, but for whatever reason I kept putting it off. What I do know is that a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step, but I also know that the first step can be and usually is the toughest. I figured that by taking this first step it would get me on track. Which is the first of three things I'd like to talk about. If you're having trouble getting started, perhaps you can create an opportunity to get you started. For me, I'm a bit of a performer, so when there are other people around, especially those I've told I'm going to do something, I do it. It's almost impossible for me to back out. The way you do it is not that important, it is to know yourself well enough to put yourself in a position of opportunity.

The second thing is the support of others, and utilizing it. The truth is that I hadn't run for more than one mile in over four years. Exercising has not been that high on my list of priorities. If left up to just me, I'm certain I would not have done those eight miles. What I realized that morning is the idea of strength in numbers. I got a ton of support from the other people who were running that morning. I got to support them back as well; however, not everyone finished the eight miles. Although the support was around them they either chose not to lean on that support or perhaps something was off for them that day. For me I was clear in my goal that morning, and that was to complete the eight miles, so I was going to lean on all of the support and coaching I could get. I certainly don't think I could have made it without it, but I'm equally as certain that I would not have relied on it without having the big goal in front of me. What occurs to me is that we all have a ton of support, but don't see it or utilize it because we're not up to anything that big. Perhaps some of us would rather complain about not having enough support than actually getting it done?

Only those willing to go too far will know how far they can go. As I stated earlier I was not in shape to do it, but until I took on the challenge I would never have known. There's theory and concept. There's also the truth. The truth is what is known only after the fact. In theory and concept I thought I could do it. The truth of whether I could do it or not would only be revealed once the challenge was taken on. I found out the truth that day, that as poor a shape as I was in I could run/walk eight miles. I also found out that it would take me about a week to fully recover. :) These are only things I discovered after the fact. From this experience, I believe that I can go even further and I believe that this was a valuable experience in going forward with my life. Of course that remains to be seen, though. Only time will tell. There's a profound difference between knowing about and knowing.

Until next time...

Live FREE!

The Secondary Effect Is Of Primary Importance

I've been a parent for nearly seven years, and one of the things I purposed even before I became a parent was to be a good example. Of course this is not just talking about being a good parent, but really about being the best human being I can be. It occured to me a while back, and still occurs to me today, that it's not enough to teach good lessons, but to be the lessons that we teach. For example, if you want your kids to grow up and not smoke, it's not enough that you talk about not smoking you've got to set the example by not smoking yourself. If you want your kids to exercise and be active, it's not enough to talk about those things you've got to exercise and be active yourself. Makes sense, right? But why is this so important?

Because the secondary or silent lesson that is being taught is of primary importance. Every time you teach someone a lesson and are being the lesson yourself, the underlying message that you're not saying but still sending is that you are a person of integrity. You practice what you preach, and because you are a person of integrity you can be trusted. It creates clarity for the people you are teaching. It creates an evironment of trust. You also are teaching the people that you value integrity. It seems that people learn values not so much through words, but through works.

Now, think back to when you were a child, especially as you became a teenager, wasn't it one of your biggest complaints about adults that they did not practice what they preached? It was for me. There's something about that just rubs people. Think about what happens if the above is true about being the lesson. If what you're teaching and doing are not lining up, then the underlying message you're sending is probably something like, "It's not important to do what you say." It certainly creates confusion, doesn't it? You also send the message that you don't value integrity, and this certainly creates an environment where lying becomes okay.

The questions are obvious, but I'll ask them anyways. Are your actions lining up with your words? What kind of environment have you been creating? What kind of environment do you want to create? Are you willing to critically examine yourself so that you start creating a high performance environment and culture for whatever level of organization you're leading? Until next time...

Live FREE!

You can't get to whole from incomplete.

Why do you do what you do? It's amazing when I consider all of the interactions that I've had with the thousands of people I've run across in my lifetime how so many of these people do things as a way to get somewhere. Usually the somewhere people are trying to get to is some level of completion. Let me explain.

The vast majority of thought processes goes something like this: I'm not happy, and the reason I'm not happy is because something is missing in my life. Therefore I need to have that something, and once I have that something then I will be happy.

Here's another one: I'm not successful because I don't have these things in my life. Therefore, I need to accumulate these things, and once I have accumulated these things then I will be successful. What are some of these things? How about a certain level of income, a house, a house in the "right" neighborhood, a title at work, number of books published, a degree from school, etc.

Sounds pretty normal, doesn't it? After all it's that something that is the cause of our feelings therefore if I have that or don't have that then that will change how I feel. Life is for the vast majority of people a cause and effect scenario, a series of "if...then" statements. What if the premise was off? What if the premise that it's the thing that causes the experience was inaccurate to begin with? I mean let's think this through. Some people think a certain type of car will have them feel successful or significant, yet we all know that there was a time when cars did not exist. Did all of those people who lived before cars existed feel unsuccessful or insignificant? Probably not, right? In fact the whole idea is absurd, isn't it?

Now you may be thinking that it doesn't make sense for a car, but it does make sense for other things. So let's just test it out? Think of whatever it is that you think you need to have you feel better. Consider the possibility now that you may feel better, but everyone else may or may not feel any better. No, really! So is it the thing or is it that, for whatever reason, you've given that thing enough value in your life that it can have an effect on how you feel? I'll never forget this one time during one of my seminars when a woman was absolutely unconvinced, and said what about Disneyland? I said something like, "Believe it or not some people hate Disneyland." She would not believe me, but then some of the other participants were of the opinion that Disneyland was the worst place in the world. (By the way, I love Disneyland!)

So what am I saying, that it's wrong to want and desire things ouside of you? Not at all. Want everything you want as long as it doesn't infringe on others getting what they want or hurting others in the process of getting what you want. Just be aware that the thing you want may or may not give you the experience that you're looking for, and if it does it usually only lasts for a short while. Especially be careful of being caught in the trap that somehow something outside of you will complete you, make you whole.

Did you ever see that movie Jerry Maguire? As romantic as people thought it was to have Tom Cruise say to Renee Zellweger, "You complete me.", the thought of it is pretty ominous, that I need someone else to complete me. And think of the pressure the other person must feel that they must complete you. How about this thought, you are whole and complete and nothing and no one added can make you more than you are and nothing or no one taken away can make you less than you are. Think about that. If you start with the premise that you are incomplete, you'll never get to complete. The premise and the thought will never allow your completion to occur. You can't be more of what you already are, and you can't be less of what you already are. Now go and enjoy life, all of it the ups, the downs, the good times, the struggles...all of it. Oh, and get everything you want out of life. Until next time...

Live FREE!

How's your PMA?

The other day, my kids were watching a show on the PBS kids website for Ruff Ruffman, some kind of a reality game show for kids. One of the challenges they faced involved some wilderness survival training. I forgot the name of the guy, but apparently he's some expert on surviving in the wild. If I remember correctly he's trained some big names including the Air Force.

As he was beginning his training with the kids, he asked them what they thought were essential to surviving in the wild, and I ask you the same question now, what is essential to surviving in the wild? Really think about it. You probably said something like shelter, clothing, food, water, etc. Quite frankly, so did the kids on the show. They were correct in their answers and so are you, but there is something that they all missed. More than likely you missed it, too.

It had me think about how we as people are so programmed to think of things as the answers to our situations. How often do we think about things as the solution to our survival in the everyday "wilderness"? When we're struggling in life our tendency is to do what? We look for answers in more money, a better job, a better house, a better car, a better partner, don't we? I'm not saying that those things may not help, but we very rarely start with the invisible. I use football analogies all the time, and here's one for you. It used to be that most football programs used the I formation, then it went to some other formation, and now everyone runs the spread offense. Nothing wrong with the formations and philosophical ideologies that have changed over the years, but the question is this, Is it the formations and ideologies or the belief in it that makes the difference? After all, at some point if everyone is running the spread offense, then all of the advantage is really wiped out, isn't it. What it comes down to is execution, and what does execution come down to? Practice? Well, yeah, but what does that come down to?

It comes down to the invisible, doesn't it? It's what we call the intangibles like commitment, work-ethic, attitude, perseverence and persistence. These are the things that show up in action, but think about how little or if ever you check your mindset on a moment to moment basis during the day. If you're like most people you get caught up in the doing and never consider your attitude, don't you? So the next time you find yourself struggling, perhaps rather than simply working harder, what's most important is to check your attitude. As I'm sure you've figured out by now, what the survival expert said was more imortant than anything else and comes first before everything else is PMA - Positive Mental Attitude. So, how's your PMA, right now?

Until next time...

Live FREE!

Starbucks can't serve a hot drink? (Part 2)

As I begin this second part of the Starbucks story, I'd like you to consider that how we respond to any set of circumstances or situations is very telling of how we see the world fundamentally and therefore this overall world view allows for certain interpretations of the random events of life. Consider that your responses, especially the automatic reactions are a window in to your interpretations of events and the interpretations of events is a window in to the larger generalities that you live your life by. These broad generalities create the context of your life or the context called you. Consider that no matter where you are the environment called you goes with you. Therefore the random events you run in to are opportunities to see you.

I've said quite a bit there, but I want you to get what it is I'm writing. The reason being that often people want to learn some skill, what to do and how to do it. Although many things in life can be improved through imrpoved skills, a lot of dealing with other people on a day to day basis is not so much about skill, but about perspective. To give you an example, let's say you walked in to your house to find a pile of dishes in the sink and your spouse on the couch watching a show with your kids, how would you respond? Really consider. How you respond to this situation is not so much based on skill, but more in the realm of perception of what is going on. If you perceive your spouse is simply loafing around and being lazy, this would open up a set of responses and close off another set of responses. If you perceive your spouse is simply spending a bit of time with the kids before he/she starts on the dishes a whole different set of responses now become available, the ones that would not be available with the other perspective. And of course there are more perspectives than just those two.

Now let's consider the Starbucks incident. What was going on with the other people who left in different levels of upset? We could make some assessments of these people couldn't we? As you read this, if you see yourself relating with the people who left upset you may want to really look at how it is you view yourself and the world you live in. The main thing I'd like you to consider is that the situation and events did not create the reactions, the people did. If the situation was the thing that was in control, then every person in that situation would behave the same way. As I finish the story, there were people who responded very differently than walk away upset or angry. In fact, these two people (one of whom was me) actaully created a pretty cool solution, so here's what happened...

Once I got over the initial surprise, I simply said loudly and clearly to the people who were working that morning, "How can we create a solution, there has to be one?" Upon this invitation to solve the situation with me I received input from three workers. The first was to get a cold drink, I did not go with that one. The next was to go to another location, I didn't feel I had the time for that and still make it to meet with my staff on time. The third was to purchase a travel cup. Initially I was not expecting to pay $11 that morning plus $3.55 for my drink, but it was an option and that's the one I went with. I grabbed a cup I liked, walked to the counter and asked for a discount. I ended up getting the travel cup for $5.50, and I found out that morning that when you purchase a travel cup your first drink is on the house. When you consider that I was planning on spedning $3.55 that morning, all in all it was actually a pretty darn good solution. Yeah I spent $1.95 more than I intended on spening, but it all worked out. I got my drink, I got a new travel cup, I made it to my meeting on time. I high-fived the people who were working that morning for helping me come up with a solution, which i think helped them turn a not-so-great situation in to a not-so-bad situation. The last person who benefitted was the guy who just happened to be standing near me as all of this was occuring who asked for and got the same deal. Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good, I guess.

I'd like you to consider that this solution was in theory and concept available to every single person who walked in to this situation. In reality, though it was only available to two people, me and the other guy. In theory and concept creating successful solutions is available to everyone in every situation, but due to the perspective we bring to every event of our lives success is in reality not available to most people. I hope that made some sense to you. So are you about solutions or are you about complaining? Are you about getting it done or about excuses? We all walked out of Starbuck that morning with stories to tell, didn't we. Most people told stories about how life did it to them, again. Two people walked out with stories of how they overcame. Which story are you writing with your life? Until next time...

Live FREE!

Starbucks can't serve a hot drink?

A few months ago, I walked in to a Starbucks Coffee place and was faced with a situation that I was not expecting.

It was a Saturday morning during one of my Access To Power weekends. As I have grown accustomed to do on Saturday and Sunday mornings of these weekends, I drove to the establishment down the street from my facility to order myself a hot grande chai tea latte, no water. This usually occurs around 8:00am, as I meet with my staff at 8:30am to prepare for the day. Sometimes one of the staff picks up my drink for me, but on this morning I decided to take it upon myself to get my own drink.

As I walked in, strolled to the counter and ordered my drink, I was told "We can't serve you that drink, sir." As I was thinking to myself, "Where am I? Am I at Starbucks? Are they out of chai?" The same voice told me that the reason I could not get the drink of my choice was because they did not have any lids due to the delivery truck running late. Since hot drinks had to have lids, they could not sell me my hot drink. As I was weighing my options, several people walked in to the same set of circumstances that I had just walked in to. In a very short period of time, probably about ten or more people came in and left. What I noticed was how every single one of them were leaving expressing some level of upset, frustration, and anger. One woman, as I recall, was downright hostile. What was I to do? How was I going to handle this situation?

Certainly there were many options that were in front of me. What would you do? How would you handle it? Would you be like all these other people and walk out upset, perhaps even angry? or Would you be one who handles it in such a manner that you create a win, not only for yourself but for others as well? Think about that until next time...

Live FREE!

Attraction, relationship, influence, persuasion and leadership

Have you ever noticed children at play? It's always fascinating to me to go to the park with my children and watch how it is that children make friends, play with eachother and part ways saying "My new friend..." when the likelihood of them ever seeing eachother is pretty slim.

Recently, I was at the park with my children, and I noticed a few things about how my children attract other children and how that leads to all kinds of opportunities for play. Let me start by saying that my son Payton and my daughter Grace are nothing alike when it comes to personality. They are very different, yet in terms of attraction, influence, persuasion and leadership they are both very effective.

We'll start with Grace, my four year old. Grace approaches other kids and simply starts up a conversation. She'll say something like, "Hi! Let's play!" or "Hi, I'm Grace, what's your name?" The other day we were at a Toys R Us, she was sitting in a pink Cadillac Escalade Power Wheel (This doesn't bode well for my future), saw another girl walking by and said, "Hi, come sit next to me!" It's certainly more traditional, and there are times when she hears the word NO. (She doesn't like it, by the way, which creates great teachable moments! :) ) Once the relationship is established what I've noticed is that not only does she influence the other kids, but they also influence her as well. This leads to persuasion and leadership at its most basic level.

Payton is very different. He doesn't care to make friends. What he does is generate a ton of energy. He engages in whatever he is doing at such a level that his energy simply attracts other kids. Not always, but more often than not. He very rarely hears the word NO, because he's not really out to make friends. His level of energy simply creates the opportunity for relationship. Once this occurs the possibility of influence, persuasion and leadership is created as well.

Both approaches work, and neither were taught. They're both simply being themselves. How would you like to know the key to leadership, persuasion and influence? Ultimately before you can lead, persuade or influence anyone you must relate. In order for you to relate with others you must be relate-able/approachable/attractive. It seems to me that attractive people are people who are comfortable in their own skin.

My kids as well as almost all children are attractive not simply because they're so cute, but they don't know how not to be comfortable with themselves. Of course we as a society will do our best to have them be totally uncomfortable with themselves as they reach adulthood, as so many of us have experienced. But rather than learning a bunch of new techniques and skills, perhaps what's truly required is simply to remember. Remember that we're okay. Remember that we have tremendous value, not because of anything we can do, but simply because we are people. Without getting in to sounding too hoaky, consider this for today...you are enough.

Until next time...

Live FREE!

What are the fundamentals of life?

If you're to ask most people who've succeeded at anything, they almost always talk about the fundamentals. There are the fundamentals to baseball, football, golf. People get wowed and awed by the fancy displays and big plays, but the ones who know, know that it's the basics done well that ultimately lead to a win. Which begs the question, if you want to win the game of life, what are the fundamentals a person must master?

I'm certainly no expert, but here are some things that I think fall in to this category:

Vision
Love
Responsibility
Commitment
Faith
Integrity
Persistence
Team
Stewardship
Enrollment

In the upcoming weeks I will touch on each of these. I'm sure you have your own ideas about what these words mean, but I will do my best in the limited capacity of the written word in explaining what each of these means to me. In the mean time, I'd love to hear from you as well. What do you perceive these words to mean? What do you think is missing from this list? What do you think is unnecessary? What are the fundamentals that you live by?

Until next time...

Live FREE!