We create trust and also destroy trust with our words. Specifically stated, we create trust and also destroy trust with promises and declarations. It’s a rather simple thing. When we make a promise and then keep a promise, trust goes up. When we make a promise and then break a promise, trust goes down. I understand that in our society we allow room for excuses as to why a promise wasn’t kept and we even have certain rationalizations that we have come to agree on as fact. For example when someone says I’ll be there at a specific time, here in Southern California, especially the Los Angeles area there exists a socially acceptable amount of time in which people are allowed to be late, why? Well as a people we’ve bought in to the idea that traffic, that uncontrollable circumstance, makes us late, therefore if I promise to be on time for a function you couldn’t possibly have believed that I’d actually show up when I said I would. At least that’s how the game is set up. The formula is I say “X”, whatever X is, we play a game where I don’t have “X” and I have a great reason, story or justification and on some level the other person is supposed to buy in to the possibility that the two are in fact the same. For example, I tell you I’ll be there at 3:00 for the meeting. I show up at 3:30 and tell you that the traffic was really bad, and you are supposed to say even though I am half an hour late, because I had a good reason it is acceptable that I am 30 minutes late, in fact it’s the same as showing up at 3:00. I know that doesn’t sound right, but based on how we play this game called “being our word” that is exactly how it gets done. The real issue comes in to play when we realize that although the other person tells you it’s okay that you were late, what they are really thinking is that I don’t trust this person. As a result the relationship suffers.
Our word is all we have to relate with others by. When we make and keep a promise the relationship gets stronger. When we make and break a promise the relationship suffers. If we are cognizant of this then it is completely in our power to strengthen as well as weaken our relationships, moment to moment. No matter how bad the relationship may be we have the opportunity to strengthen it by making and then keeping our promises. This applies to ones relationship with oneself as well.
Now I know that some of you may be thinking, “If I make and break a promise and the relationship suffers, well what if I never make a promise. Then I’ll never break a promise, and therefore the relationship will never have to suffer.” That seems to make sense, but if you think about it that would mean at the very best your relationship would stagnate, which is no better. The reality of the matter though is this, have you ever been with someone who never makes a promise, never commits to you for anything? They are always saying things like, “We’ll see how it goes.” “Let’s wait and see, and play it by ear.” “I can’t promise, but I’ll see if I can make it.” Let me ask you this question, does that person instill in you a lot of confidence and trust? Probably not. In fact when I ask this question in our seminars the overwhelming majority of the people say that they don’t trust people who are like that, so playing it safe doesn’t work either.
Making promises is how human beings create the opportunity to grow a relationship. Although the possibility to break trust also gets opened up when you make a promise, the opportunity to grow the relationship is also created. Whether you keep your promise or break your promise the relationship shifts, and if you break your promise you have the opportunity to create a new one and shift the relationship again. As long as it is moving the opportunity to grow exists. If it stagnates no possibility for growth exists. The question is what are you about growth or stagnation? Until next time...
Live FREE!
No comments:
Post a Comment